A bed and a 15-year-old scab

Well.....this happened today:

Nash's Bed

I finally got brave enough to put the mattress and bedding on my boy's bed today. It's.a.big.deal. Trust me on this one. I don't know how many of you reading this have experienced infertility. I have made reference to it before and if you know me, you know it is a HUGE part of my testimony as to who God is and the unexpected "beauty from ashes" story that he is continually making out of my life.

When you experience infertility it is a total loss of control over your own body and your life's plan....and not just once. It's repeated over and over and over month after agonizing month. You stare at yet another negative pregnancy test or feel that familiar first cramp that signals your body's failure to bring life.  The mail arrives and the credit card statement climbs higher from each new treatment that results in no little one nestled into your arms. Nothing that your husband says or does can make the hurt go away....and it makes him hurt just as much because he would make the most amazing daddy.

You've waited until you had enough "you time" in the marriage.....established a savings....traveled a bit. You're as ready as two people could be to start a family. Then the line drive of infertility hits you dead-on in between the eyes. Sucker punch.

So, why am I rehashing all of that now? I mean, I have 5 amazing children....and sweet Nash coming any time now. God has blessed me not only through adoption, but also breathed life into my womb when doctors said it was all but impossible. Why? Because having an empty bed ready for a promised child-to-be RIPS off a 15-year-old scab that I thought had healed long ago. It lays bare all those raw emotions of fear and trust and what-if's that we'd tucked away....5 kids ago. 

I couldn't....wouldn't buy or put together Juliana's crib all those years ago while we waited for her referral from China. I couldn't stand the thoughts of that empty crib with no baby to fill it - a visible reminder of the struggle, pain, loss, and emptiness of infertility. Once we got her picture and knew we were traveling to bring her home I could do it, but until then my wounded heart just couldn't handle the unspeakable.

Now, all these years, kids, and adoptions later, you'd think it would be easier. For goodness sakes, we TEACH the "Considering Adoption" classes! However, as much as we knew this adoption would not be "smooth sailing" we really didn't know that we would be heading into a 2 year hurricane either! We have sustained many new battle wounds from this storm and we are not yet finished. With each passing month of yet another "no" or just no news at all it feels much akin to a 15-year-old scab being ripped right open - the scab of no control and fighting against total dependence on God, even when it hurts SO much and makes no sense at all.

But....GOD is good....even when we don't understand. Even when we are told no for 28 straight months. Even when you don't know what to pray, so you just lay on your baby boy's empty bed and cry and let the Holy Spirit intercede for you.

I will choose to trust Him in this storm because He laid his life down for me and for Nash. I will choose to trust him to bring Nash home because I have experienced the miracle of adoption that He alone orchestrated, not once before, but 3 times. I will choose to trust Him because He chooses when and where all children come - He breathed life into my empty womb twice! 

Infertility or adoption may not be your beauty from ashes story....it happens to be mine. God wants to use your ashes for His glory. Ashes are messy and it requires a fire, which can often be painful. However, the Refiner's fire always produces something amazingly beautiful - far beyond our human comprehension at the end of the process!

Here's a couple of great songs that are on my heart:

One "oldie" (but goodie!!)

http://youtu.be/DDhlTzbyFRo

One of my new favorites:

http://youtu.be/Fo3DudOzV4k

Blessings & JOY,

Brooke



I 

Life by the 23rd's

We said a tearful goodbye to Nash in Ghana on June 23rd, 2013.

Since then I've come to mark life by the 23rd's. I didn't intend to at first, but as time marches on month after month without us bringing Nash home, I've come to dread when the number 23 approaches on the calendar....yet again. It marks yet another month gone by without our sweet boy home. I swear, it feels almost exactly like going through infertility struggles all over again. Only this time, I KNOW my beautiful baby. I've seen him, held him, he's told me he loves me, I've promised him I'm coming back to bring him home......

Just in case you are wondering, this is how many 23rd's there have been since we left Nash:

That's 10 -  23rd's  (months) or:
305 days
26,352,000 seconds
439,200 minutes
7320 hours
305 days
43 weeks

But.........THIS 23rd is different!!!!!!! We have a new meeting on THIS (April) 23rd!!!

THIS 23rd a wonder man named Alois is going to the U.S. Embassy in Ghana on our behalf to plead our case.

THIS 23rd we are asking you to PRAY and believe that this will be the final meeting for our adoption and that the U.S. and Ghanaian officials will approve ALL remaining paperwork that is needed to bring Nash home. Specifically, we are asking that the officials will approve our I600 form that we have been waiting on for more than 8 months.

More specific prayer requests:

• Please pray for Alois to have confidence as he presents our case.
• Please pray for the U.S. Embassy officials to be receptive to Alois and have a favorable view of adoption and our particular case.
• Please continue to pray for Nash - that his heart will be prepared to receive us as a family after such a long separation. Please pray that he knows we love him and have not abandoned him.
• Praise/prayer for the Douglass family - our friends that we traveled with. They are bringing their 3 children home this week!! Pray for their visas to be processed quickly and for everyone's health and travel safety.

God is so good! He has brought us new hope over and over! Signs of new life are literally bursting out everywhere this spring. More importantly, we just celebrated the ultimate NEW LIFE that everyone can have through Jesus!

We can not wait to celebrate new life here on earth as a family of 8 with Nash! This family picture, taken just a few days ago will soon be transformed.....we are confident!

                                                               Isaiah 40:25-31

Thanks so much!

Brooke

Dreaming again....

This week has been AWFUL. On all fronts---adoption related, managing a busy home life (not a all well I might add), at work and with my health. My fibromyalgia has been rearing it's ugly head in full force this week. I'm sure the overload of stress is 95% of it, with frequent weather changes adding the other 5% --oh joy.

With all that going on, my already poor sleep has been even worse than usual. When I do sleep it is fitful. Which leads me to this morning.

I can't remember all the details, but I was blessed with a dream. That might not sound weird to most of you, but it's a BIG deal for me because I usually don't sleep deep enough to dream anymore. So dreaming equals resting.

Here's the best part: my dream was about a family reunion that we were attending on my mom's side. They have all been so excited for Nash to come home. In the dream I was very aware that Nash wasn't with us. I couldn't make out any individuals, I just knew it was all my aunts, uncles and cousins.  They were asking if we had any new news. Then suddenly the one face that I could see clearly in my dream was of my Mamaw Margie.

It was as if she had parted the crowd to come comfort me. She touched my arm and said comforting words to me that filled me with peace. You see, my Mamaw has been in heaven for almost 8 years now. She died about 3 weeks before Chloe was born. I always had a very special bond with her even though we lived far away. 

I'm not sure what, if anything it means, but I know that I woke up with a smile on my face after a dreadful week.

Thanks, Mamaw.......I love you!

Isaiah 26:3  You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast,

because they trust in you.

~Brooke

STUCK

Life imitating art....

This time last year I was a volunteer for the Cincinnati stop of the nationwide tour of a documentary named Stuck. Check out the trailer here:  www.stuckdocumentary.com 

It's an award-winning film that was made by an adoptive dad to raise awareness about the current state of international adoption.

As I sat with the other audience members, on the verge of finally traveling to meet Nash for the first time, never did I image that one year later I would be STUCK in the international adoption maze. We went into the adoption process with eyes wide open, expecting the unexpected. We even counsel couples that come to our adoption classes that anything can happen in adoption. That you have to go into it as educated and mentally/spiritually prepared as you possibly can be. But.....wow. The mirror image that I now see reflected back from this powerful movie is uncanny.

The tears I cried as I sat heartbroken for the parents in the film that were separated from their children due to mindless rules, clerical errors, apathy...... I had no idea that tears would be shed for some of the EXACT same reasons for my own adoption just months later.

I encourage you to view this film. Not just to understand our adoption plight, or someone else that you may know that is adopting. More importantly, that you too, will understand the desperate need that these children have for champions to fight for their cause. The rest of the world is either ignorant to the fact that millions of orphans exist (I once was) or they turn a blind eye to the fact once they know.

I challenge you to grab your favorite drink, some tissues, and block out 90 minutes to find out what really is happening to orphans growing up with out families. Then decide what you might be able to do to help.

You can stream Stuck on www.netflix.com or at www.stuckdocumentary.com


The picture below was taken at Nash's orphanage. There are over 120 children living there. The majority of them will NEVER be adopted. NEVER have a mommy & daddy tuck them in at night. This is just 1 orphanage x 120 kids x at least 100 more orphanage in just the country of Ghana! There are 5 million orphans in Ethiopia. Estimates of upwards of 1 million orphans in China. I could list all the countries and all the statistics, but it would fill up the page and make your head spin.

The one fact I know: God created every single 1 of them to have abundant life and to know that they are LOVED by him!! Every child deserves a family.

~Brooke

You might be a waiting adoptive parent if.....

10. You're up at 12:00am searching YouTube for random new video postings of your child's orphanage that you may have missed the other 486 times you've searched.

9.  You realize at 1:00am that you've seen ALL the videos that exist and your son is in exactly ZERO of them, but somehow it makes you feel closer to him.

8.  Having thoroughly searched YouTube, you now start reliving the trip to meet your son by looking at all 900+ pictures that you took. It is now 1:45am. You are now a complete emotional mess. (And you have to work in the morning.)

7.  You are just as angry about all the snow as everyone else this winter.......except you realize that it is because your son is missing it. Your son that giggled at pictures of his brothers and sisters shoveling the "white stuff" and said it looked like fun.

6.  You're tired of asking people to pray for you. I mean we really, really appreciate the prayers, but for goodness sake....we must sound like a broken record!!

5.  You secretly think people are starting to think you're making the whole thing up. Yep, this one has crossed my mind folks. Are they really still adopting this kid?? What on earth could be taking this long?

4.  You're tired of experiencing all the emotions of pregnancy, but without anyone recognizing it.  I've held this precious boy in my heart for the last 28 months. I finally got to hold him in my arms over 8 months ago. I can't begin to describe the emotional roller coaster we've been through on our journey....and it's not over yet.

3.  You've met your child and promised him your coming back for him........and you are TERRIFIED that he feels abandoned. Please pray for his little heart to really believe that we are coming back.

2.  You're not 100% at anything anymore because a huge part of your life is incomplete. You stink at being a wife, mom to your other children, worker, daughter, friend, servant of Christ. You name it....I pretty much do it poorly these days. Every day is a struggle to not just curl up in the fetal position in bed and give up.

1.   No matter how much it hurts, or how long it takes, or how much it continues to test your faith.......YOU WON'T GIVE UP!

John 14:18  I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

~Brooke

Not THE news, but GOOD news!

 We have NOT yet received the magic word "approved" that we are waiting for from the interview that took place last week. Our agency is working to communicate with the embassy to see if we can find out the status of our case.....so please keep praying!

 

Do we want to hear from the embassy? Of course! But, it has also been 7 long months since we had to leave our son behind in Ghana. 7 months. So today I think I'd rather hear his sweet voice. Really. Or smell his sweet, fresh, out-of-the-shower smell. Ask any waiting adoptive parent. You stare at every picture, watch every video, replay every memory, drink in every detail......because you just don't know how long it will be before you see your child again. YOUR child.

 

Proverbs 25:25
Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land. 
Tonight we received these new WONDERFUL pictures of our sweet, healthy, beautiful boy!! Our agency director delivered the t-shirt that he is wearing as a gift from us, as well as a letter with pictures of our family. He reports that Nash is doing well and was very excited to received the t-shirt! (He absolutely LOVES soccer!!) The last pictures we saw of our baby were from July, so you can only imagine how it feels to see these - sort of like seeing the latest ultrasound picture, only my baby is gonna be 9 in a few days!!

These pictures are like pure gold.  You just can't put a value on them. I mean, he never leaves my thoughts. His picture is my screensaver on my phone that I look at everyday too, but somehow getting a new picture that was taken  just a few days ago takes me right back to Africa with him. It lets me know he really is OK. That we're gonna be OK. That this is gonna happen. 

 One "God thing" that I wanted to point out - zoom in on the second picture if you are able. There is a sign just over Nash's right shoulder that has a verse on it.

The verse is:

Psalm 7:1 O Lord my God, in thee do I put my trust: save me from all them that persecute me, and deliver me

Jeff & I are so thankful for your continued prayers. We know who the Mighty Deliverer is. We put our trust in Him. Nash needs a Mighty Deliverer working on his behalf to deliver him safely home. Please continue to pray. The battle is not over. Please pray that we will receive the magical word "approved" and move one GIANT step forward in bringing Nash home.

Blessings,

Brooke

"I have a special message for you!"

The Messenger

These were the words that Chloe, my very energetic 7 year old spoke as she stood, on Thanksgiving morning, beaming up at me. I was barely awake, thinking about the food preparation for the holiday meal that I was to prepare later in the day. I smiled at her, yawned and patted her on the head.  I replied something to the effect of, "Ok Sweetie, what message do you have for Mama?" (I'm sure I didn't have much enthusiasm in my voice for two reasons 1) I am NOT a morning person 2) Chloe has an endless imagination and is forever coming up with silly messages to share - especially before your first cup of coffee!

The Message

Chloe quietly handed me what appeared to be a crumpled, rolled piece of paper. "Here's your special message. Read it!" I unrolled the paper, expecting a hand-drawn picture or maybe a cute "I love you Mom" paper.  What I read absolutely blew me away and has taken me this long to share. Here is what Chloe had written on her paper, along with a hand-drawn heart, of course. :)

Your Love

Your love…is so mity so powerful so grate os your name. 

Jesus you can move a mounton. 

Your love is so…Grate

Your love never fales us.

 Jesus so powerful.

For those of you that don't regularly read 7 year old writing/spelling, here's the spell-checked version:

Your Love

Your love…is so mighty, so powerful, so great is your name. 

Jesus you can move a mountain. 

Your love is so…Great.

Your love never fails us.

 Jesus…so powerful.

 

 

 

The Meaning/Unlikely Teacher

 

After I finished reading the paper, I asked Chloe where she got her words, thinking maybe she copied them from a devotional, or saw them on a paper, etc.  She looked up at me and said confidently, "God gave them to me for you, Mama!" Wow. Just wow. I just hugged her and let the tears flow, as they are again now. I mean, what do you say to that? At the time, we had just found out that yet another appointment had been canceled for our adoption.....I was feeling so spiritually low.  Yet this amazing little person who has been alive 1/6 of the time I have been had heard and more importantly BELIEVED and SHARED a message that she received from God. The Lord that she knows loves her and is capable of anything. Moving mountains....bringing her brother home.....she believes with her WHOLE heart that Jesus is exactly who He says He is and that He is mightier than any obstacle that this world has in our lives.

Psalm 8:2 ² You have taught children and infants to tell of your strength,^[a]silencing your enemies and all who oppose you.

 

 

Here are some favorite songs....of course!

This song reminds me exactly of the message that Chloe shared with me:

http://youtu.be/Orn8tEqQrTU

While looking for the song above, I was blessed with discovering this song! Perfect Peace is a very special phrase that has been a running theme over this 2+ years of our adoption journey. This was a definite "God wink!"  :)

Isaiah 26:3  You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

http://youtu.be/IKynh0Spy-Q

Love & Blessings,

Brooke