Well.....this happened today:
Nash's Bed
I finally got brave enough to put the mattress and bedding on my boy's bed today. It's.a.big.deal. Trust me on this one. I don't know how many of you reading this have experienced infertility. I have made reference to it before and if you know me, you know it is a HUGE part of my testimony as to who God is and the unexpected "beauty from ashes" story that he is continually making out of my life.
When you experience infertility it is a total loss of control over your own body and your life's plan....and not just once. It's repeated over and over and over month after agonizing month. You stare at yet another negative pregnancy test or feel that familiar first cramp that signals your body's failure to bring life. The mail arrives and the credit card statement climbs higher from each new treatment that results in no little one nestled into your arms. Nothing that your husband says or does can make the hurt go away....and it makes him hurt just as much because he would make the most amazing daddy.
You've waited until you had enough "you time" in the marriage.....established a savings....traveled a bit. You're as ready as two people could be to start a family. Then the line drive of infertility hits you dead-on in between the eyes. Sucker punch.
So, why am I rehashing all of that now? I mean, I have 5 amazing children....and sweet Nash coming any time now. God has blessed me not only through adoption, but also breathed life into my womb when doctors said it was all but impossible. Why? Because having an empty bed ready for a promised child-to-be RIPS off a 15-year-old scab that I thought had healed long ago. It lays bare all those raw emotions of fear and trust and what-if's that we'd tucked away....5 kids ago.
I couldn't....wouldn't buy or put together Juliana's crib all those years ago while we waited for her referral from China. I couldn't stand the thoughts of that empty crib with no baby to fill it - a visible reminder of the struggle, pain, loss, and emptiness of infertility. Once we got her picture and knew we were traveling to bring her home I could do it, but until then my wounded heart just couldn't handle the unspeakable.
Now, all these years, kids, and adoptions later, you'd think it would be easier. For goodness sakes, we TEACH the "Considering Adoption" classes! However, as much as we knew this adoption would not be "smooth sailing" we really didn't know that we would be heading into a 2 year hurricane either! We have sustained many new battle wounds from this storm and we are not yet finished. With each passing month of yet another "no" or just no news at all it feels much akin to a 15-year-old scab being ripped right open - the scab of no control and fighting against total dependence on God, even when it hurts SO much and makes no sense at all.
But....GOD is good....even when we don't understand. Even when we are told no for 28 straight months. Even when you don't know what to pray, so you just lay on your baby boy's empty bed and cry and let the Holy Spirit intercede for you.
I will choose to trust Him in this storm because He laid his life down for me and for Nash. I will choose to trust him to bring Nash home because I have experienced the miracle of adoption that He alone orchestrated, not once before, but 3 times. I will choose to trust Him because He chooses when and where all children come - He breathed life into my empty womb twice!
Infertility or adoption may not be your beauty from ashes story....it happens to be mine. God wants to use your ashes for His glory. Ashes are messy and it requires a fire, which can often be painful. However, the Refiner's fire always produces something amazingly beautiful - far beyond our human comprehension at the end of the process!
Here's a couple of great songs that are on my heart:
One "oldie" (but goodie!!)
One of my new favorites:
Blessings & JOY,
Brooke
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